So, like, we're sitting there, watching the news after "Blade: The Series." Some Channel 111 anchor announces something about the astronauts finding bird poop on the shuttle during the heat shield examination.

I'm thinking "It can't be parakeet poop." It's too small, so you'd never see it. Besides, parakeet poop dries up and falls off — never attempt to remove fresh parakeet poop, it smears.

"It can't be cockatiel poop." Again, it's too small, a lot of green that wouldn't show up with the camera on the robotic arm. If it had been a female cockatiel sitting a nest, they would have cancelled the launch, based on smell alone. Just trust me on this one. You notice we try to not breed 'tiels any more? Now you know why.

So anyway, I'm sitting there making all these jokes, the commerical's over and they show the image of the bird poop on the High-temperature Reusable Surface Insulation (the black stuff on the underside, not the Reinforced Carbon-Carbon (gray stuff on the nose and and the leading edges of the wings), not the Low-temperature Reusable Surface Insulation (the white stuff everywhere but the cargo doors and some other places, nor the nomex felt (also white, but it's fabric).

Immediately, besides recalling all the names for the different forms of insulation that I haven't studied in over 20 years, immediately my brain thinks "sea bird."

And I know I'm right.

Sure, it's not some eagle or owl poop, that's obvious. They don't have pigeons around the space shuttle. Pigeons are urban, which begs the question why we don't get pigeons anywhere in the suburb but Wal-Mart. I don't recall what flamingo poop looks like, but that's definitely not it.

And then it hits me. Somewhere in my brain, I have images of various kinds of avian poop stored, categorized on how they splatter.

Why?

I know I took some strange biology classes in college, but honestly, none of them was about bird poop.

Sure, parrot poop is something I have to know about. Ask a parent with an infant. They can tell you what the poop is supposed to look like and what might be wrong with the kid if it looks different. If you really ask them, they'll go on for hours, which is why you really don't want to ask them. With parrots, it's the same concept. Knowing what the poop should look like helps you catch an illness early, especially in some creature that can't talk well.

I don't know human poop by sight. I can pick out by smell where a GI bleed is, if someone has chronic liver failure, or if they're diabetic, or have an infarcted bowel. As a paramedic, I had to know those things, which is just one more reason to add to the list of why I'm glad I'm not doing that whole ambulance schtick any more.

But bird poop?

That is so weird.


  1. If it bleeds, it leads; I saw some folks I know in the film of the fire scene on Arlington [back]